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08 June 2009 @ 04:48 pm
Show Me What I'm Looking For  
Chapter Title: Find Your Way Back Part 1
Author: neverknew_xo
Rating: T
Pairing: House and Cameron.
Warnings: None, really.
Summary: After House tries to confront Cameron and fails, he begins to act out of control even more so than usual. Wilson and Cuddy try to stop him and try to get him to see that it's affecting his work, but House refuses and it takes the one person making him crazy, to stop.
Author's Note: I know, I know, I'm very late for an update. But really, real life got in the way. Hopefully now though I can concentrate more on this story. I hope you're still reading!

What if I said what I was thinking?
What if that says too much?
When everybody's got a reason
I feel like giving up

Wilson knocked loudly on the door, hoping to wake the person inside of it and quite possibly the whole hallway. He was done with this routine that he and House had started and that had been going on for weeks now, it was getting old. House would act out of hand, Cuddy would send him home, he would stay there and order strippers, then pass out and wouldn't answer his phone so Wilson would go and check on him. It was worrisome in the beginning, but now it was just annoying.

Wilson knew this was all just House acting out because of Chase and Cameron’s engagement. He heard about House and Cameron’s talk, and found out it didn’t go very well. Cameron was hesitant towards House, House tried to get her to say she didn’t love Chase, and chaos ensued. Wilson knew House was angry about what was going on, but he also knew he wasn’t ready to do something about it. The drinking, the outbursts, the avoiding, and the carelessness; they were all the same things House did when him and Stacey broke up. Except this time, they were worse.

"House open up!" Wilson yelled.

It was a couple minutes before Wilson actually heard noise behind the door, and he briefly considered tearing it down, but stopped when he heard shuffling. 

The door opened swiftly, revealing a very tired looking, dirty, crabby House. His regular stubble was now almost a real beard, and his normally bright blue eyes were now an indigo. House was, in a word, a mess. "This is getting old."

"You're telling me," Wilson replied rolling his eyes. He tried to look inside but House blocked his view. Wilson shook his head and looked at him seriously. "House you have to stop this."

House straightened for a second, his eyes wide and focused. Wilson wondered what he said that snapped him back. Knowing House wouldn’t tell him if he asked, he went on.

"You've been drinking yourself into oblivion for weeks now. Cuddy's worried-"

"Cuddy's always worried," House interrupted, his voice irritated. He kept his eyes trained to the floor.

"-You're not working on any cases, and you're team is considering quitting because they have no work to do and have a boss that's rarely there. And since you weren't really there before anyways, it’s really saying something."

House opened the door fully but kept his hand on it to prevent Wilson from getting through.

"I'm fine," He said defensively, "Is it so wrong to have a passion for drinking before noon everyday?"

"No, but unless you want to become an alcoholic more so than you already are, then I suggest you stop."

"I don’t need a babysitter." House looked at him gravely, and it was then that Wilson knew to stop.

He knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with House, not tonight anyways. Eventually though, he was going to have to come out of this haze because the wedding was going to go on, and he will have to deal with the loss of Cameron.

"I wanted to see if you were okay," Wilson said softly, "You weren't answering your phone."

"Yeah well, I'm fine. No checking up needed. Now I'm tired, it’s late, and I have work tomorrow."

"You might not, with the way you're going."

"Cuddy's not going to fire me, she loves me too much." House said and then started to close the door. He gave Wilson a softer look. "I just need time to think this over."

“This isn’t the way to do it House,” Wilson said sadly.

And just like that, the softness was gone.

“It is for me,” He replied, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And then the door closed and Wilson was left once again to ponder how House would act the next day to get sent home, and continue this useless routine. Wilson sighed and walked down the hallway, ignoring the angry neighbors who got woken up, and retreated back home once again with no improvement.


House walked into his office with big, dark sunglasses on. He had a hangover the size of Texas, and any sunlight was a burden to his throbbing head. It had been days since he'd actually used it; the case load was few now that he had proved he was unstable.

He had been coming in later than usual, and when he did come in at all he was drunk and disoriented. The Cuddy he used to know would have lain in on him, but not anymore. This Cuddy came into his office and asked how he was feeling. He responded with fine, like he had been for the past 100 times people asked him, but in all reality he knew he wasn't fine, and so did they.

House walked over and sat down in his desk, for once wishing the doors weren't made of glass but of an actual wall so he didn't have to see people in the hospital…or the sunlight. He wasn't drunk yet, which was a start, but he did have an overwhelming urge to get started. Had it not have been because of his headache, he probably already would have. He was expecting someone to come in and see how he was doing. Wilson, Cuddy, and his team rotated for every day of the week. But he didn't feel like talking, and he really didn't feel like feeling.

If he would let himself admit it, he would say that he blew it with Cameron and that he couldn't exactly deal with that. The thought of her belonging to someone else for the rest of his life was unbearable, and he was surprised that it took him this long to find that out, considering he always figured things out quickly. Maybe this was too hard to confront though, and that was why he was too stubborn or too distracted to actually try. When Cameron got with Chase he was almost relieved, it gave him a chance to put off his and Cameron's situation for a little while. But he always thought of her and Chase’s relationship as temporary and not at all permanent.

Not that he initially saw himself marrying Cameron either.

Cameron was exactly what he described her as when she asked him why he hired her. She was lobby art in every sense. Too valuable and too much of a commitment to buy, but too important and too painful to give away. He liked to keep Cameron at a safe distance so she couldn't get near enough to his heart but also couldn't be pushed far enough to fully disappear. It had worked for the four and half years she had been at the hospital, but now it was obvious his extensive plan had to be broken.

She couldn't marry Chase; he wouldn't accept it.

Suddenly feeling the need for lots and lots of drinks, House got up from his desk, tired of thinking too much about one thing, and headed for the lounge to see if there was anything strong hidden in the cabinets.


Wilson was walking down the hallway to see Cameron about House when Cuddy's yell stopped him.

"Wilson!" She called and when he turned around he saw her practically sprinting to catch up with him. When she finally reached him, she was out of breath.

"Cuddy," He began, "You're...running."

She rolled her eyes briefly before focusing on the reason why she really needed to talk to him.

"Have you talked to House?"

Wilson gave her a look. "About what? The fact that he's been drinking himself stupid and obsessing over something that he can't stop from happening, or the fact that his work life is slowly shutting down and the hospital is in jeopardy of losing business in the diagnostics department? Choose carefully."

Wilson knew he was taking his anger of House out on her but he couldn’t help it. He needed to vent to someone and with Amber gone, he didn’t get to talk things over like they used to, and so he had to take what he could get.

"About all of it!" Cuddy exclaimed. "House hasn't been himself and he needs to be, otherwise this hospital and I are going to go insane."

"The only reason you would go insane is because he isn't making cruel remarks about your wardrobe anymore and buying you desks." Wilson said, surprising himself. The look on Cuddy's face showed he had done the same thing to her. He didn’t know how much anger he really had. "Look, I'm sorry. You're right House hasn't been House and it seems to be throwing everyone off. But, he needs some time to process this clearly because if he doesn't, this could all become permanent."

"How do we know it already isn't becoming permanent?"

"We don't," Wilson replied, "But all we can do is hope for the best."

Cuddy put her hands on her hips, her expression confused. "Why does this shock him so much? Chase and Cameron have been going out for almost three years, didn't the idea of them getting married ever cross House's mind as a possible outcome?"

Wilson sighed. "I really don’t think House ever thought a proposal would be in the picture. I think he figured they would date for awhile, break up, and everything would go back to normal, like Cameron working in the ER or for him and all would be forgotten.”

Cuddy straightened. "Do you think he’s in love with her?”

"I don't know, but with the way he's acting it’s entirely possible," Wilson said seriously. "I'm seeing some similarities from after he and Stacey broke up to right now after he found out about the engagement."

"You're right," Cuddy said quietly. "I see them too."

Before Wilson could say anything more, Cuddy walked away. Wilson didn't exactly know why he felt the need to dump all of that on her, but he knew now that he had, she felt dejected and most likely willing to talk things over with House.

He just wondered what Cameron had to say about all of this.


Cameron's last few weeks had been complete hell. She was working late hours in the ER, on purpose, and then the rest of her time was either spent planning for the wedding or trying to please Chase. Needless to say, Cameron was feeling overwhelmed and not at all ready for the upcoming occasion. Not to mention that ever since House had visited her in the ER she hadn't been able to get his words out of her mind. Should she have listened to what he was saying more and realized this was his way of trying? Had she been so blinded by her obsessive need to hear him say words that would convince her what he felt for her was real that she was missing the milestones? All day everyday those questions haunting her. She wished they would go away. With her wedding in less than 4 months, she didn't have time to think about anyone else, especially House.

She had heard he was slipping up at work, drinking on the job and not getting any cases done. So far she hadn't heard of Cuddy reprimanding him too hard, but Cameron knew everyone in the hospital was tired of his slacking off, and wanted someone to do something about it. Even the nurses down in the ER were gossiping about how this might be the day when Cuddy finally fires him and gets someone useful in the Diagnostics department. Cameron wanted to slap them. House was anything but useless. Had they not seen all the cases he solved? All the lives he saved? She couldn't believe how ignorant they were being, until she realized they didn't know House like she did, or at least like she thought she did. If she knew him that well she would be able to admit that his acting out could possibly be because of her upcoming wedding. Instead, she was being in denial. But God she wanted to see him. The last time they talked things were messy, very messy and all Cameron wanted to do was make it better. In fact, ever since Cameron heard the rumblings of House’s sudden slip she wanted nothing more than to go up and talk to him. But she had to remember that Chase would be suspicious and that she became vulnerable when she was around House.

She didn’t know exactly what she felt for him yet, but the fact that she felt anything at all should have been a warning sign. She was trying to be strong and avoid him, acting all tough on the outside when really she would be aching to see him on the inside. And how close they were to actually getting somewhere. Cameron had never seen House be that defenseless towards her than when he last talked to her. All it did was make her want to forget about the wedding and give him a try. But Chase had been so faithful and dedicated to their relationship that Cameron couldn’t imagine breaking up with him. Especially when their wedding was just a few months away.

Cameron was reading a patient's chart when she suddenly felt a tap on her shoulder. Her initial thought was House, but then she reasoned that he wouldn't down here, not after their last conversation. When she turned around she was met with James Wilson. Usually she enjoyed his company, they had become friends after she helped him through Amber's death and he had helped her when it came to Chase and her job. Their friendship was one of the few she had that was actually beneficial and so she appreciated it, until this very moment. She almost groaned, knowing he was undoubtedly here to talk about House.

"Hi Wilson," She greeted, trying to sound casual but knowing her voice was a little shaken.

"Hello Cameron," He greeted back. He fumbled his hands, obviously torn about how to approach the subject without saying something stupid first.

“How are you?” She asked.

“Not so good,” He admitted.


Wilson’s eyes darted up at her, and he wasn’t entirely sure whether he was shocked that she could read him well or the fact that almost every problem he ever had had to do something with House.

“How’d you guess?” He half joked.

She smiled softly. “There isn’t one person in this hospital that isn’t talking about him.”

“He’s going through a hard time,” Wilson replied nodding. “Just like I said he would.”

Cameron avoided his eyes. “I know.”

“So, are you going to talk to him?”

“About what?” Cameron said, exasperated. Wilson just gave her a look. “Even if House was reacting this way because of my engagement what do you want me to do? I’m the one getting engaged. It’s not like I can just hop into his arms and ride away. I don’t even know if he wants that anyways.”

“Do you have feelings for him?”

Cameron’s eyes widened and her cheeks blushed scarlet red. She wished she still didn’t do that whenever his name was mentioned.

“That’s not an appropriate question.” She replied.

“Well judging by the way you blushed I’d say it was the most appropriate one of all.”

She didn’t say anything, knowing whatever she said would be countered by one of Wilson’s responses. She just lowered her eyes and let out a breath.

“He’s a mess Cameron,” Wilson said quietly, “It hasn’t been this bad since Stacey.”

At this Cameron snapped her head up. She remembered when Stacey came back town and she was jealous of her, of her past with House, and the way she mesmerized him without even lifting a finger. It was what she wanted to do with House, well not exactly the past part, but she just wanted him to want her enough so that he would still care if they met again years later. Hearing this now just made it all so very real and overpowering.

“You have to talk to him before he gets fired and spirals down even more.”

But she couldn’t. It was too hard seeing him, knowing that she was feeling these things and wanting to be with him but at the same time devoted to Chase and getting ready to start a future with him.

Cameron wasn’t one for cheating, but her relationship with House was always misunderstood and underestimated. They both had a power over one another that no one else could match. She knew she would succumb to his eyes and then it would be the end of her, plus the end of her and Chase’s relationship. And she wasn’t sure she was ready to do that just yet.

“It’s too hard,” She whispered. “I can’t…be around him.”

Wilson didn’t say anything more, but looked at her seriously. Cameron knew she would have to face him at least a couple more times before her wedding, but the thought of seeing him now in this condition was impossible. What would she say to him anyways? She couldn’t comfort him anymore, couldn’t try to lighten his mood and find out what was wrong. It wasn’t her place, and it surely wasn’t the safest idea.

She sighed and watched Wilson walk away. As he was leaving she could see through the door he ran into House. House lost his balance and mumbled something rude to Wilson. Wilson tried to help him up, with some struggle. And all Cameron could do was watch as her former boss fell apart right in front of her eyes. Because of her. Because he was hurt. No matter the cause, Cameron had to do something about it.

She took a deep breath and decided.

She would have to try.

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: This Is Your Life-The Killers
sharp2799: House/Cam checking her outsharp2799 on June 9th, 2009 03:51 am (UTC)
Yep, still reading. :) Hope to get another update soon! (But puzzled why this is called part 1...did you mean part 2 or am I reading in the wrong order?)
neverknew_xoneverknew_xo on June 9th, 2009 03:58 am (UTC)
No you're reading in the right order. It's kind of confusing. The parts of this story are basically like chapters. So this would be chapter 3 Part 1 and then the next update would be chapter 3 Part 2 and then after that it would be chapter 4. The reason I broke it up is because its really just all one big chapter but I wanted to split it up so it didn't seem so overwhelming. I hope that makes more sense :) I'm glad you asked about that though, and thanks for sticking with this fic!
ally_camally_cam on June 9th, 2009 07:33 am (UTC)
Wonderful chapter! These lines are my favorites:

And all Cameron could do was watch as her former boss fell apart right in front of her eyes. Because of her. Because he was hurt. No matter the cause, Cameron had to do something about it.

She took a deep breath and decided.

She would have to try.

I know Cameron's the only being able to help House...